Making It Happen

Making it happen, like you're some kind of magician or uber-talent. Ah sure it's a great and overused expression. I remember a 'making it happen' event one day a long time ago, back in the early 90s. Now there may be a wee bit of embellishment here but honestly, I'm telling it like I remember.

Well it was a sort of 'soft launch' day for the press. I dunno how many were there but I was told there was a lot. Now I wasn't there cos "there" was Hong Kong and I luckily escaped being exiled there for professional duties due to having to attend a wedding back home. Anyhow, we were doing a much-publicised demo of the service to the customer and press corp. There was a slight catch - it kept falling over about every third time we used it and we hadn't quite solved this yet. The workaround was cunning and brilliant. The audience watched as short messages whizzed from one cell phone to another in the room and they were stunned. Well you have to remember that this was about 15 years ago now and SMS was cutting edge. Went down a storm. Thanks to the fact that there was a guy at the press demo, sitting under the large, main table which was draped by sheets like a tablecloth so he was hidden from view - he deleted every short message after it was delivered so we never hit our problem. Brilliant. I still think someone was winding me up.

And from that very dodgy opening, we have a product and service that now delivers billions of short messages every day the world over. Who'd have thought it at that time. Sure the whole idea of SMS in those days was not to use it as a communication medium in its own right but as a means to stimulate greater network usage. If you couldn't get a call thro' to someone, you'd send them an SMS. They'd get it when they were back in coverage or their phone was turned on again and they'd call you back. So, I did help to 'make it happen' tho' it wasn't quite what we thought we were making. You never know for certain how an emerging technology will be used. I guess that's exciting in a nerdy kind of way and a good reason to make something happen.

On and I've no real point. It just seemed like a good title for this ditty.

My Way

Now why can't people at work just do things my way? I'm always right. Well almost. Things would be easier, less painful and we'd have a better work-life balance. Maybe too many people at the very top secretly love to hate the constant crises. You know the type, always cursing when their phone rings just as they've put it down and then they're all sweetness and light and "sure...of course...absolutely...no problem" and when they've done with the call "Ah Jaysus, is there no rest", etc, etc.

Just do it my way, you know I'm right. I'll purposely create the odd crisis for you if you insist. But at least you'll see it coming.

Pressure

Thanks for the weekend. At least I know I won't have to work late on Fridays cos there's always the weekend to pick up the slack. Well, that used to be the way for me when I was but a wee shiny eyed propellor-head but no longer.

In my first job, weekend work seemed a pretty normal and regular event. The "treat" was that you were picked up and brought into work, had a nice big lunch down the pub and a lift home after from someone. When lifts weren't available, you could get a taxi on the company tab. Sure it was no wonder I had no love life when I was working weekends. Yeah I know, I still had enough time to go on the piss at nights but that was only to let off steam in hindsight. So when I did go out, it was with a mission to get drunk. Very drunk. I was both uninterested in going out to get laid and, when eventually i had consumed enough alcohol to stimulate the testosterone and to have a hardy pair of beer goggles on, I was also incapable of capturing even the most desperate stragglers from the herd. Mind you, it seemed normal and standard enough for me. Both the working weekends and the inability to do anything more than get drunk when going out.

Looking back (which is a redundant expression really cos we can't look forward and looking sideways makes no sense at all), I guess it was a way of handling the pressure. At the time, I thought it was just my immaturity dealing with regular, decent money coming in for the first time. There are probably numerous times I've forgotten what I've done while out drinking during that period. Not that I was an alcoholic or anything, I just liked drinking and getting drunk. End of.

Now one time, I did wake up in my own bed in the house with someone else's clothes on the floor beside me and I was unable to move my right arm much. I was a little worried about the clothes thing cos all the other housemates were guys. Anyhow, it was recounted to me what happened by my pissed off housemates later. Apparently, I'd arrived back at the house with a skinful in me. We started playing cards and I stormed off to bed in the middle of the game. They told me that in the middle of a hand I forgot what we were originally playing, thought we were playing something else and left when I thought everyone was conspiring against me by refusing to let my hand win.

"Ahh, so that's how those cards ended up in my back pocket" I said sheepishly.

I used the en-suite in another guys room on the way to hitting the sack after leaving them at cards, minus the 5 i had in my pocket of course. I never found out why I didn't use either of the other 2 toilets and I passed out on his bed, fully clothed I might add, so no Freudian comments please. Hence, he slept in mine and they were his clothes next to my bed when I awoke back in my own bed that morning. Ahh, you say, but how did you end up back in your own bed? Well, I used the standard bathroom in the middle of the night, fell into the bath, injured my arm (a dislocated collar bone) and was unable to let myself out of the bathroom. I woke everyone up yelling for them to let me out.

"I'm locked in...and my arm won't work...and I can't get out. Help me! Let me out! Open the door for me" etc, etc. I became so focused (if that's the word) on someone else letting me out that I forget one important point.

"We can't let you out! The lock's on your side so use your other arm!"

Then I obviously went back to my own bed and my housemate must've simply avoided me by scooting back to his room. Well, the story was something like that.

I blame the pressure of work and having too much money and too little sense. No honestly, I do. So today, I avoid those extra hours by using my family as my excuse. And now I can drink and get drunk with a clear conscience, knowing that I'm doing it cos I really do like getting drunk and not because of work pressures. Right, now back to my can of Stonehouse.

Speed

No, it's not a chemical discussion. Tho' I am now wondering why it's gone so out of fashion these days.

Anyhow, I've little say today, mostly cos I'm getting frustrated at the pace this laptop goes at. And did you see the lovely Aldi offer this week? A desktop for under €500, Intel dual core, 2.66 GHz, 3GB RAM and a 640GB hard disk. I'm tempted. I might be there next Thursday.

I know someone who picked up a laptop there a few weeks back. Similar spec and for €600. Pretty good, even if I did have to remove the trial anti-virus product as it was freezing the laptop. He was queing up before 8.30am to make sure he got one. He said there were this pair of women behind him, discussing what what they were gonna get. The usual boring shopping items he said. When they opened up at 9am, didn't the two wenches surge past him and everyone else in the queue and made a beeline for the laptops! Cunning and cheeky. Had to laugh. Still, he managed to get his laptop all the same.

End of.

More About Agencies

So today I ended up leaving another voicemail with the agency asking them to call me back. Anytime would do I said. Clearly, that time has yet to arrive.

Now I remember a time when I was on the other side of the table, talking to agencies with a view to hiring. I politely asked one guy to leave the office when he stated that his agency's starting fees were about 30% for permanent placements for vacancies with salaries starting at €24k. Well, those figures are an approximation but you get the idea. The fees increased in line with higher salaries. What a joke! I pay you 30% of a graduate's annual salary for you passing on his practically empty CV to me?!? PFO.

"And do you do any screening of candidates, like credit checking or a criminal history check" I asked, seeing if that's how they justified their fees.

"We leave each client the freedom to perform their appropriate background analysis commensurate with the seniority and any security aspects associated with the role" he said.

"That'd be a 'no' then?"

"We find it's easier for our clients that way. We have a large database of candidates you see" he touted, feebly trying to support the high rates.

Wow. Maybe they hacked into the Social Welfare and FÁS dBs. It didn't strike me as a point to leverage on tho': we know lots of unemployed and/or dissatisfied professionals and we can pass them onto you. Ah I know, I'm being a smart ass but that's what I thought.

Anyhow, some time later, one of the guys came to me with a problem. I'd asked him to screen some CVs for technical suitability for a vacancy we had. I was spending far too much time doing it 'cos we had no HR section and it seemed like a clear opportunity to delegate and make him feel important at the same time. So, he showed me this CV he got from an agency. It was obviously heavily edited, presumably by the agency and didn't give a clear and comprehensive history of the candidate. He said he asked the agency for the full CV but they wouldn't give it unless we agreed to their T&Cs first. So, I contacted them and got the same answer. Eventually, we agreed that they could send out someone with more authority to discuss it with me. And sure enough, when the guy walked thro' the door, it was the same bloke I ushered out before. He started the discussions brilliantly...

"So, am I right in saying that you've brought me in 'cos you realise that we offer a better service than our competitors and are now willing to agree to our rates?" he smugly stated.

A thousand expletives rushed thro' my brain and, no kidding, I actually visualised a painful, physical reply.

"No" I said, ever the diplomat, "I just want to see the full CV of candidates so I can decide whether they're suitable to progress to phone interview or a face-to-face".

"Ah well, you'll have to agree to our rates first" he said and grinned.

What is this, some sort of lucky dip? So I basically got him to agree to send the full unedited CV and that we'd tell him what rate we thought it was worth. And then we got back to the agency and said we'd pay 14%, which was still high but I knew they'd refuse. Which they did.

Now initially I laughed cos I knew they were pissed at me but then I thought about the poor sod of a candidate. Did they know that this agency wasn't allowing them to progress for positions that they were suited to because their rates were so high? I wonder how many times that's happened to me in the past. You know, you apply for a position that an agency is advertising and they might've scalped the advert from somewhere without having an agreement with the company. Then when they approach the company, they're told their rates are too high or that they're not dealing with agencies at this point. And you application goes nowhere, even tho' you might be a great match for the role.

Bastards I say. I've even caught several of them blatantly advertising for my company's vacancy on the same recruitment site on which I've directly posted the advert! And you think I'm gonna pay you fees for advertising the same role I posted in the same location that I posted it? PFO.

I'll have to start swearing more in these posts. It'll help.

Agencies

Today I had my interview, arranged like most thro' an agency. Now I was chancing my arm a little as the company was looking for more depth in other areas but I had enough depth in my breadth if you know what I mean. I only gave an okay performace, it's been a while and you need a couple of interviews under your belt in a short space of time to really shine if you're not a great match for the role. But the interview came to a grinding halt when they realised that I was still working and unable to start for at least a month.

"I told the agency I needed someone to start as soon as possible, next week at the latest" he said.

"And I told them I was only able to start at the end of October, at the earliest" I replied.

Upon which he wound up as quick as he could do politely and I was promptly escorted off the premises. Brilliant. Thanks for filling the company in on my situation.

Of course I did the usual thing, I contacted the agency immediately afterwards to give feedback but had to leave voicemail. Now the feedback I give doesn't really help me at all. It does help the agency fine tune candidates for the position based on my experience during the interview. But do I get feedback on my performance so I can improve my chances? Ha! Also, the details they gave me regarding the need for the vacancy were months out of date.

"Ah no. That's project's done and dusted" he said "We've finished that now. History".

Thanks again. And of course I've heard nothing back from the agency since. Sure they're all over you when you're a viable candidate for a position, sending you emails and calling you on the phone during work and asking if you can talk - I'm at work, what do you think! But they're impossible to get a hold of if there's nothing to match your CV. Yeah I know, it's no surprise. But would it kill them to return the odd call and at least tell you to PFO/we'll call you if we find something/keep in touch as we may have something suitable and you might just slip thro' the net, etc, etc.

And what sort of databases and skill set matching do they have in those places? I still get emails asking if I'm interested in positions that clearly don't match my background. Next thing I know, I'll be offered gardening positions if I put that down as a hobby. Oh and they always ask you if you know someone who might be interested or to spread the word about the vacancy. I will in me hole! You want me to work for you so that you can get your commission...ha! PFO yourself pal.

Hmmm, I've far too much to let out on this topic in one rant. Tomorrow...

A Quiet Day

And it was great. You know, one of those days where everything goes right and you get done all you want.

It was the last day for The Student. And the last day of hols for TRB. So, she'll be back on Monday but I've still the weekend to forget about that.

Well, I was gonna recount a past incident but you know what, I couldn't be arsed today. It's a Friday and cos it was such a good day at work, I need no therapy. I'm sure it won't last tho'. I'm already planning possible moves and have an interview lined up for Tuesday. I'll leave that preparation to Sunday and continue to enjoy the weekend.

30 Minutes

"About 30 minutes" said The Student at around lunchtime today. That's how long he reckoned it would take for him to deliver his work to us. And that's how long it would've taken a normal person. It was finished at 4.45pm.

Now I spent most of the morning helping him to properly finish what he should've completed yesterday. And he moaned all the way thro' it. I think he was expecting me to do it for him and begrudged the fact that he had to do it. It's a bit like telling someone to get all the broken glass out of their shoes before they put them on. And they moan at you 'cos you're telling them that there's still loads more in there but they want to put their shoes on anyhow. And I was still at work for a good 2 hours after he left today, kludging what he was supposed to finish.

Ah but he does make me laugh. Mostly when I look back however. But that's good tho', right? And he made others laugh today too. He knocked over a pile of boxes today. And they kept falling over on him after he piled them back again. He was standing next to them, holding a conversation with us and trying to inconspicuously nudge up against them, hoping they'd stay up and that we wouldn't notice. He also smashed a fluorescent bulb reaching for a golf club. A driver I think. Don't ask. It was funny tho'.

Now you might think I'm being a bit tough on him. Maybe I am at times. But this is my therapy. And it makes me feel better. So thanks to The Student.

Coaching

Well, life at work began today as I expected. Explaining again to The Student what I had explained to him yesterday. Now when it came to discussing exactly what he was to do, I told him exactly what to do. This was because his favourite answer to why he hadn't done something the right way is always "But you never told me do it that way". You see, I do like to leave some room for the guy to grow, to be creative and to come up with a solution himself. I'm a firm believer in explaining what the problem is as opposed to explaining the solution. At least this was, he has to try to think. The academics would call it "coaching". I guide The Student into finding the solution himself. Or something like that.

So, today I explained what he had to do. It seemed much safer. I wanted him to make the same changes to File B that he did to File R yesterday. This basically involved adding a section to it. Now the 2 files are very similar but have their differences.

"Okay" I began, "add that section to File B and we'll do the testing".

"Ah no. I want to copy File R over File B. It's quicker" he said.

"But File B is supposed to be different to File R. You can't do that!"

"It's okay. I'll make the small differences to File B afterwards. Sure they're much the same files anyhow".

"Well how do you know what changes you have to make (that make File B different from File R)?".

"It's obvious".

"How is it obvious?".

"I know how they're different cos they're much the same anyhow".

There is a sort of logic to this to be fair but it escaped me at the time.

"But what if you forget to make some changes or get some wrong? You're running the risk of breaking something that's already working".

"I won't, trust me".

So, to cut a long story short, I decided he could do it his way as he convinced me/himself it would be quicker for him and he wouldn't get it wrong. Ahhh, I bet you think I'm setting myself up for a fall, eh? Well, you'd be wrong. He sloped back to me about 30 minutes later to say he was gonna do it that way I suggested. He claimed that I'd blame him if he got something wrong doing it his way. Well duh! Of course I would. It's accountability. If you're responsible for making the changes, you're accountable for them not working. I guess he was thinking that if he did it my way and it went wrong, well it wouldn't be his fault, it'd be mine cos that's what I'd told him do. Then he could claim that if he had done it his way after all, it would've worked. Don't think I didn't see that. There was also the little issue of him realising that those "small differences" weren't that small after all and that he didn't know all of them. Of course I knew that too.

This was a brilliant example of coaching. He was led to believe that he had all the options and that the decisions he made were his own. That's kinda true. He ended up doing it the way I wanted but thought it was his choice, his decision. I'm brilliant, me.

Communications

No matter what job you do, you still have to work with people. Now while I'm a great advocate of diversity in all forms in the workplace, there are some days when I wish that everyone I work with was just like me.

Now when I need to contact someone in a hurry, I pick up the phone. It's a wonderful tool for speedy communication. So why is that some people have to send an email to you asking you to call them? They have my number. They have both my work number and mobile number. It's just to reinforce the power structure that exists, mostly in their minds. I'm more important than you so you call me pal! And of course when I call them during working hours, on their mobile just in case they're out and about or whatever, the phone rings out and I have to leave voicemail. And they don't return or even acknowledge the call. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that Ireland now has over 100% mobile phone usage. Maybe they've more than one mobile and I called the wrong one. Maybe I shouldn't bother in future and pretend to be as extremely busy as they like to appear and just wait til they get pissed off enough to call me. That should sort it.

Now students who are working between their college years are a great source of fun and frustration. And a great source of cheap labour. The adage "you get what you pay for" definitely holds true here. You end up explaining everything to them, telling them what to do, checking what they've done and then explaining to them what they should've done the first time. Now The Student at work is one of these. A nice enough person but Jaysus, what a drain on your time and emotions. I'm standing there, answering one of his questions and halfway thro' he interrupts me and fires out several other questions. Is it any wonder The Student doesn't know what to do. Sure I laugh 'cos if I don't I'll ending up levelling him.

Now technically capable people (nerds) like myself understand the difference between "files", "records" and "fields". The Student uses these terms interchangably when describing his work.

"So I'm gonna create 5 of those, right?" he says to me.

"5 of what?" I ask.

"Files".

"No, records - 3 in one file, 1 in a second file and 1 in the third file. Plus there's another fourth file with all those 5 records in it".

"Oh yeah".

Pause.

"What?" he says.

Cue detailed explanation...again.

"And" I say, " each of the records in the first 3 files have about 30 fields while the records in the fourth file have around 100 fields each".

"Ok. 5 files. No I mean records. With fields in the files. No, errm...no, wait. Why's that? I mean the thing with the records or fields. I mean how do you know how many fields there are?" he asks incredulously.

"Cos it's says so in the specs - they're the 2 large documents sitting on your desk that you and I went thro' together earlier".

"Oh yeah, right. I'll do that tomorrow".

And you know what I'll be doing first thing tomorrow, right?

The Mythical Salesperson

Another classic start to the week with Sales having made further commitments to the customer, failing to realise that they aren't the ones who have to follow thro' with them. Well, that's not quite true. They actually did try to follow thro', more's the pity. Thus began a series of conversations with the customer where we discussed actions I know nothing about, deliverables of which I was unaware and deadlines where I thought none existed. Thanks for telling me lads. So I had to listen to such lines as "This was supposed to be delivered last Thursday, where is it?", "I'm not going to explain this all over again to you when I've done so in great detail to yer man last week", "Do you guys work in the same office or are you scattered across the oceans?".

Well, fair play to Sales who tried their hand at some development. Of course, they failed to tell the rest of development what they were up to and we ended up with separate and distinctly different streams of development activity, each with divergent features. And, when they started to realise they weren't developers (probably when they knew they had to deliver something themselves for a change), they told the real developers to stop what they were doing and gave them new stuff to do. Now salesmen can't do this normally. But when you're a Director, normal rules don't apply to you.

Of course some people who work in Sales are grand. Most aren't tho' and that's the problem. There's a bigger problem however and the hint is in the name - sales. These people don't actually sell, they suss out what someone wants and strike a deal with them. Now that's not selling, that's agreeing. But they believe that they actually sell. Hence, the mythical salesperson. I remember many moons ago when I was in my first job, I met some guys from South Africa. This was just around the time when the rest of the world felt there was money to be made in doing business with South Africa which coincided nicely with the post-apartheid order. Their guys were stunned when they found out that the major weapon in a European salesperson's arsenal was vapourware. In SA, they actually went to events and sold products and services that they had. Now there was a novelty. Because no-one had done business with them, they had developed their own way of doing business in isolation and without external influence. And it worked for them.

As you've probably guessed by now, I don't really have a insightful point to make. Nothing new there then. I'd just rather Sales were honest and...I can't believe I just tried to put those two words in the same sentence. Look, Sales don't sell, they agree. And that's that. I've heard smug salesmen tell me "We have to dare the developers to make what we've sold. That's how we motivate them. Then they rise to the challenge, realise their potential and become happier and more productive employees." What a load of shite. This from the guys that make commission on revenue, quote how much cash they brought in and fail to note that the cost of these projects can often be more than that revenue thanks to their financial and technical awareness.

Well, that was a bit of winding rant really. And I don't feel the therapeutic value yet. Maybe I'm just a bitter bastard. And I bet you agree. That's the salesman in you coming out. Now that made me smile.

IT Therapy

This is supposed to be therapy. My little vent for the usual work-related shite that I have to endure. Well, we'll see.

So, here I am on another rainy Sunday night with the standard rainbow of emotions caused by looking ahead at the week. Maybe this week it'll be great for me. I'll make that difference. I'll be praised by colleagues, accomplish loads, achieve goals, surpass targets, etc, etc so that I'll walk out of work on Friday knowing I'm in the right profession and that yes, I am good at what I do. Maybe it'll be another long week. Another week where I just try to get thro' it without causing too much damage. Or maybe it'll be yet another week of swimming thro' treacle. Getting dumped on and trying to sort out everyone else's mistakes and doing all the stuff that others refuse to do 'cos they want an easy life. Well, we'll see.

I'm an IT professional, working in software in Ireland. Like thousands of others. I'm guessing my work life is no different to others in this field. Maybe I'll get comments like "You're dead right, pal! The shite I have to put up with too...", "I'm surrounded by idiots and political animals...", "The unpaid hours I've put in for these ungrates...". I thought it would be comforting to know I'm not alone. Hmmm. Then again, now that I think about it, I don't want to discuss your problems! This is my therapy. What am I, your work agony aunt? Ahh, don't let that stop you sharing your thoughts and problems tho'. Just don't expect me to do anything about them or make you feel better.

Anyhow, here's my little plan. I aim to write about the shite I endure each day. It might make me feel better. On the boring days, I'll recount historic episodes of note - things that've happened in my career that I still carry around in my head. Those events that I think are amusing or interesting enough for someone else to read about. Then again, I could bore you shitless with these tho' but luckily for me, i care not a jot. He-he. Now to protect the innocent, the ignorant and especially myself, I'll have to avoid specifics. That's gonna be hard to do at times. Partly 'cos I'd love to mention a few names and partly 'cos the stories might end up too vague and diluted to tell. I'm keen to avoid legal action however. That would be my 'major motivator'.

So, here's where I am now. I'm in the middle of delivering a project to a customer, a large and well-known company in Ireland. I won't say what sector they're in but they're large enough for me to claim with some certainty that you're using one of their products or services. Hopefully, that narrows it down but keeps it open enough. Some bigwig in there has overshot his budget and is trying to balance it out by delivering this project asap 'cos it'll save money when this project goes live. So I'm caught between doing the project properly and as per schedule while pandering to his need to get it out there and working. Heard it all before, right? My main dealings are with a wonderful bitch working for him. I'll have to call her That Rude Bitch. Hey, I'm no Ross Golden Bannon (I can get away with that name drop, can't I?) but it is an appropriate moniker.

I'll finish up on a positive note. Last Friday, I was chatting to one of the guys in the client company over the phone. We were discussing TRB's death. That cheered us both up. He started to bring me down when he said that he wanted to attend her funeral. Was this out of some misguided respect? I held out some hope for him tho'. He didn't let me down when he explained that it was purely to ensure that she was indeed definitely dead. Ahh, I enjoyed his comment. Maybe this'll be the week it happens for us. Well, we'll see.